Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A Not So Happy Holiday

I started to write in December...I couldn't.  So I thought I'd wait till the first of the New Year...and...

Sometimes, I start to type and the tears just flow...sometimes, I bawl.  Trying to put my thoughts together during the holidays and then put them into words were very difficult.

So, today, January 26th...I'll try again.

Christmas at Aunt Val's with Tim's Daughter (I think)  2000?
I love your smile.

The holidays were good and not so good.  Good that we were all together...not so good because we were missing a very important member.  My mom.  It was very hard remembering that I just couldn't pick up the phone and ask you: "what do you put in the stuffing"?   or, "I just found an ornament the kids made"...or, "remember Shana's first Christmas...she got tired of opening presents"?  Those sound like tiny and simple little things...but the Holidays make everything bigger.

I remembered early Christmas's when you and Dad would stay up all night putting Christmas together.  You told me years later, that Santa brought Christmas to the house.  He brought and decorated the tree, he brought all the gifts on Christmas Eve.   When I got older, I realized what a job it must have been buying a tree, decorating it, wrapping all the gifts and putting things like; bicycles together all before we woke up. 

Those were great memories.  Life was much more simple then.  And I think we put much more effort into making those memories.  At least you did.  You'd make a beautiful Thanksgiving Dinner, complete with all the trimmings.  I know I helped, a little. 

On Christmas morning we'd open our gifts and then go over to grandma's house to have dinner with all of our Aunts, Uncles and Cousins.  We'd play outside until dinner time, then open our gifts, then watch old home movies.  I remember Aunt Esther and Uncle Lauren coming down from up north, Uncle Rusty and Aunt Janet...cousin, Kay, Larry and Lee...Aunt Val, Uncle Jeff, Uncle Bill...   Seems so long ago now.

Christmas at Fritz's house 1982

It's been 5 months.  Feels like yesterday...we're all still so very sad and miss you so much.  It's hard to imagine holidays without you, let alone experience holidays without you.  It's just not right. 

Our family is fractured...and we'll never be the same.

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