Happy Birthday Mom! ~ July 31, 2011

A year ago today, we spent your birthday together.  You were surrounded by your children, grand children and great grand children.  We never imagined that two days later you'd be gone.




July 31, 2010

  As I look at this photo...I remember.  I remember that I was concerned.  Something was wrong.  I never guessed that VHL had reared it's ugly head.  You were 71 years old and never complained of headaches or dizziness.  It was Aunt Val who mentioned...maybe???

The next day was the beginning of a horrific nightmare.  This week has been difficult for your family.  Not that we haven't been grieving for the last 363 days but because each day takes your farther and farther away.

Remember, way back when...you read a book about Edgar Cayce.  You were intrigued about his life and mission.  I later read the book and we would have discussions about life and the hereafter.  We talked about these things for hours and hours.

Last week, I went onto the ARE website, dedicated to his readings and found one regarding "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One".

It read:

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One

Of all the helpful information from the Edgar Cayce philosophy, one of the most comforting is the promise that life is continuous; our time on earth is just one aspect of a soul’s journey of growth and transformation through time. Not only will we meet our loved one again beyond the veil we know as physical death, but our relationship with them will continue as well.

Cayce suggests that one of the greatest gifts we can give to someone who has passed on is to pray for them. And most importantly, to pray that they will recognize that they have moved on from earthly life, and now have the opportunity to continue their soul development in a different way. Cayce says that those we love on the other side are actually as close to us as our thoughts, and we can be most helpful to those individuals by focusing on the happy, joyful times together, and releasing – as much as we can – the sadness and grief we feel at their passing.

We went to church today.  Jeff delivered a beautiful Liturgy.  In the prayer he asked for prayers for family members who were struggling with their health.  I cried.  A woman sitting next to me laid her hand on my arm.  That touch meant so much.  Just a touch from a stranger, who doesn't know my story.  It was thoughtful and very nice.

Edgar Cayce learned that we are here on this earth to love one another.  Very simple...and today's sermon was about loving one another despite our differences. 

So today, I'll look forward...knowing you can hear me and try not to be sad.  Mom, go forward, live, love and be joyful.  I know you can see us...

I love you,  see you soon,
Suellen

EDGAR CAYCE
www.edgarcayce.org/

GREAT GRANDFATHER CONKLIN and his grandkids

Back Row: Aunt Val, Lauran Jr, Carol, Grandpa Conklin, James and Uncle Bill
Front Row: Lee, Larry, Uncle Jeff and Mom
Sitting; Alexis and Kay

Aunt Val sent me this photo yesterday and it got me to thinking...about all the family gatherings we used to have at Grandma's house.  Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  All the cousins would be there.  We'd play outside until Grandma would call us in to eat.  Then we'd watch home movies on 8mm film.  What a great time.  I miss those days.

This photo was taken in the early 1960's. My mom was in her early 20's...and I'm always in awe of her.  She had lost her sight, she was so very young...and Shana looks so much like her.  I love it!

My memories of Grandpa Conklin are few...I remember him being thin and tall...that might of been because I was so young.  I remember him being warm and gentle and feeling loved.  He used to tickle us, he had long fingers that seemed gnarled like branches of a tree...not in a scary way, in a wise old kinda way.

I remember he passed away when I was about 10 years old.  About 1968.  My mom asked if we wanted to go to the funeral and I didn't. I was afraid of funerals until I reached my 30's.  I don't know why...I just was.

A few days later, my mom said she had a visitor in the night.  Grandpa!  He stood at the edge of her bed and said "everything will be alright".  She was blind at the time...but said she could see him clearly and in color!  I always remembered that.

Later when my mother passed away, Shana had a dream...my mom was cussing (which she rarely did) about Damned VHL!...then she told Shana "everything will be alright".  I reminded Shana of this right before her last surgery. 

A few days after Shana's last surgery she told me that, Grandma has been here.  She felt her presence, her support, her love.  She felt her arms around her and felt her laying next to her, lightly brushing her hair.

I had been praying for my mom to  be with her on this journey and to hold her hand along the way.  I asked for her to cradle her in her arms and that we knew...everything would be alright. 

...and it was.

I miss you mom!

A Not So Happy Holiday

I started to write in December...I couldn't.  So I thought I'd wait till the first of the New Year...and...

Sometimes, I start to type and the tears just flow...sometimes, I bawl.  Trying to put my thoughts together during the holidays and then put them into words were very difficult.

So, today, January 26th...I'll try again.

Christmas at Aunt Val's with Tim's Daughter (I think)  2000?
I love your smile.

The holidays were good and not so good.  Good that we were all together...not so good because we were missing a very important member.  My mom.  It was very hard remembering that I just couldn't pick up the phone and ask you: "what do you put in the stuffing"?   or, "I just found an ornament the kids made"...or, "remember Shana's first Christmas...she got tired of opening presents"?  Those sound like tiny and simple little things...but the Holidays make everything bigger.

I remembered early Christmas's when you and Dad would stay up all night putting Christmas together.  You told me years later, that Santa brought Christmas to the house.  He brought and decorated the tree, he brought all the gifts on Christmas Eve.   When I got older, I realized what a job it must have been buying a tree, decorating it, wrapping all the gifts and putting things like; bicycles together all before we woke up. 

Those were great memories.  Life was much more simple then.  And I think we put much more effort into making those memories.  At least you did.  You'd make a beautiful Thanksgiving Dinner, complete with all the trimmings.  I know I helped, a little. 

On Christmas morning we'd open our gifts and then go over to grandma's house to have dinner with all of our Aunts, Uncles and Cousins.  We'd play outside until dinner time, then open our gifts, then watch old home movies.  I remember Aunt Esther and Uncle Lauren coming down from up north, Uncle Rusty and Aunt Janet...cousin, Kay, Larry and Lee...Aunt Val, Uncle Jeff, Uncle Bill...   Seems so long ago now.



Christmas at Fritz's house 1982


It's been 5 months.  Feels like yesterday...we're all still so very sad and miss you so much.  It's hard to imagine holidays without you, let alone experience holidays without you.  It's just not right. 

Our family is fractured...and we'll never be the same.

Old Pictures - Memories

This pic was taken in 1968.  Aunt Val, Mom, Aunt Charlene, Grandma, me and Robin




Mom at Christmas

 


Mom with Graduating Class of Guide Dogs of America. 
Mom is 3rd from Left with Enid (golden retriever)

 

Uncle Bill and mom, 1940



This photo was taken in 1958.  My Grandma Ruth, Mom and me




 



5 Generations

Three of us have VHL (my mom, me and Shana)

5 Generations of first born women.  This picture was taken in 1993.

My mother looked just like her mom and Shana looks like both.

I wanted to call you...

And say, I thought of you while in San Francisco.

I remember when you went to San Raphael to get Enid.  You brought me back two charms for my charm bracelet.  The San Francisco Bridge and a man panning for gold.

I imagined how it must have been for you.  Exciting to travel, exciting to meet a new friend who would guide you down your path.  And scary not being able to see.  That big unknown.

I still miss you everyday...

I love San Francisco.  I love the ocean. I say "Hi" everytime I see the ocean.  I'm so grateful when I see dolphins playing in the surf.  I feel close to you there.

I think about our last day together, your birthday...I wish I had known it would be our last day with you.

Your family loved you so much!!!  Everyone misses you.

I miss you mom!
xoxo

Optometrist or Opthamologist

Mom, started having vision problems when she was 16 years old.  Her parents took her to the "eye doctor" and they checked her and fitted her with glasses.

Had she seen an Opthamologist...they may have noticed the little Angiomas growing on her retina.  They may have been able to save her sight.

Instead, in 1962 or 1963 she woke up blind in one eye.  They went to the doctor and then to specialists and was diagnosed with VHL.  Her retina had detached.  Later they tried to save her other eye but...no use.  It was too far gone.

My mom lost her sight.